My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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