How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
