If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
