I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
