My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
