you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
