I wish I only lived at night.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
