I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Shame - the story of my life.
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