he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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