Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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