I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
