I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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