I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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