Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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