Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
