Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
