hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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