I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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