I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
