haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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