I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
