just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
