just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
ttyl tear gas
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
