After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
