According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
