She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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