I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize