hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
