I think my fart just growled at me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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