They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
