I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
