Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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