I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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