I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
