dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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