yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
