he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
