he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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