I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm always down for nudity.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
