roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
