So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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