Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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