Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
