I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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