wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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