if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
