i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
