Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize