i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize