I can text with my tongue
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize