textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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