You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
