We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
