i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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