I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
