Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Randomize
