god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Boobs speak an international language.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
40s are totally the cure
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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