If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
