i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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