I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
