dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
